Reflections on Picking Leadership Pals
Looking for something more than monkey bar antics and blowing smoke rings.
We tend to want to hang out with people who make us feel good about our choices, habits, and general world view. This works out fine when we are on a path of positive ethical growth, but it’s not so helpful if our choices, habits, and general world view are holding us back and need some tweaking or a full over-haul.
My Uncle.
My favourite uncle struggled from his teen years to his death with drug and alcohol addiction. When I visited him in the burn unit at Vancouver General where he spent months after passing out on the couch with a lit cigarette, he said to me, “you know, when I get out of here, I’m going to change my life.” When he got out of there, his pals threw him a big welcome back party - a welcome back into the same old choices, habits, and general world view that landed him in the hospital AND gave him comfort and a sense of belonging.
The Leader.
I recently heard a story from a public sector leader about meeting regularly with their peers to share their frustrations and in general “bitch about work and the world”. When I asked what it felt like after spending time doing this they said, “not great and I don’t feel better about work, but I do feel like I belong somewhere and that how I think about work is normal. I couldn’t manage without them”.
Many of Us.
As with the above stories, each of our lives have been shaped by experiences; some of them wonderful and some of them harsh. Many of us (my hand is raised) need to learn how to navigate these experiences and their legacies (our choices, habits, and world views) with the support of others, such as counsellors, therapists, coaches, faith leaders, teachers, animals, nature, and the pals we hang out with.
Picking Our Pals.
From the time we are kids we pick our pals, for the most part, because of qualities we admire and want to emulate or that reflect back something inside of us that we want reassured.
In general, as kids we didn’t differentiate between healthy and unhealthy qualities and our choices in pals were rarely influenced by adults saying “don’t hang out with that crowd, they are bad news and will lead you astray” or something like that (admittedly I never received any of this type of advice, so that line might be from watching after-school reruns of the Brady Bunch or My Three Sons). We picked our pals because we liked how they jumped from the top of the monkey bars, ran fast (or like us, ran slow), blew smoke rings, wore the same sneakers or ate the same lunch as us, or were just there when no one else was.
None of it was terribly sophisticated or self-aware; it was a scary world response of “I like this person, and I want them to like me”. Fast forward to our adult working years where we have the opportunity to be a bit more sophisticated and self-aware, and yet many of us still pick pals like when we were kids.
Reflect (Your Way).
Reflection is about taking time to slow down, to pay attention, and to create space for insight. For some it is done through movement, journalling, art, gardening, or staring at the sky. Whatever it may be, the key to a practice of reflection is to do what works for you, embrace it fully, and do it regularly.
I invite you to sit with the following questions and to do so with non-judgemental honesty, and with kindness and compassion for yourself and for others.
What do I admire or respect about the leaders in my work, community, home, and friendships?
How do my leadership pals show up in ways that nourish my leadership growth?
How do I show up in ways that nourish the leadership growth of others?
Do I pick leadership pals who reflect back to me a sense of belonging or ease with my not so great choices, habits, and world view?
Do I pick leadership pals who by their choices, habits, and world view encourage the growth of my healthy and ethical choices, habits, and world view?
Don’t go looking for perfect answers, there aren’t any. Taking time to reflect and to let our thoughts settle, gives us hints about our strengths, where we might want to grow, what we may need to change, and how we can do this life and leadership journey.
Whatever your answers, I’m here for you.
Babs
Why work with me as your coach?
Because leadership is a demanding journey that requires attention and care.
I help clients expand and hone their self awareness and awareness of others, their expertise, and their wise and ethical behaviours while celebrating their resilience and courage for what is before them.
You can find out more about the Courageous Leaders Project and my work as a coach and facilitator at courageousleaders.ca.
Photo by Art Institute of Chicago on Unsplash
