Reflections on Being an Accidental Toxic Leader
Getting friendly with a list of common, even seemingly benign, but downright sneaky, toxic behaviours.
We have all said or heard the following: *
I’m tired
I’m overwhelmed
I need to do more
I need more time
I need my team to do more
When I have some space I’ll pay attention to mental health and wellness
I just snapped and had to apologize to everyone in the meeting
I got up at 4 in the morning to bake cupcakes so everyone knows how much I value them (if done with joy and ease, all fine and thank you for saving a cupcake for me)
Nobody brings me cupcakes
If only I worked a 37 hour work week
I send emails during the night, but I don’t expect anyone to respond until they get in in the morning
I need to be better
I’m neglecting my friends, family, houseplants …
I’m neglected
I’m glad my team makes use of their sick days, but I just can’t
If I weren’t so busy I’d have time for …
I don’t expect everybody else to care as much as I do
I just don’t have time to think
I will get it all done
I’ll do it myself
What would you think if I told you that when any of the above beliefs, attitudes, and stories become habitual, and particularly if they start showing up as a combo platter of unhealthy behaviours, toxicity has entered the work environment?
Toxicity, particularly in its early stages, is a sneaky guest, full of excuses and rationales, that soon takes over and makes itself so at home that we are hard-pressed to see it and call it for what it is. In this way, any one of us can become an accidental toxic leader.
We usually think of a toxic leader as someone with a mean streak. Someone who gaslights, cruelly shuts down ideas and discussion, uses snide, or just below the radar, remarks to belittle, and knows how to use body language to slay others.
We don’t usually think of a toxic leader as ourselves. But what is going on inside us, what is screaming out for compassionate attention and healing, when we are the one who always arrives early (usually first) with cupcakes and a birthday card for everyone to sign or the one who sends the cheery email reminding everyone of the kitchen-cleaning rota even though we normally don’t mind doing the extra cleaning, but this week we are slammed with reports (smiley face, dish emoji)?
Awkward, well-meaning, a little tired, overworked, but toxic?
Yes, toxic. As in, there is something not-so-great, kind of yucky, or perhaps even poisonous inside us, that we need to face, get friendly with, and gently lay down as the heavy unwanted burden that it is.
We may have learned some of our not-so-great behaviours and habits at other times in our lives, such as when we we were young and needing to find safety or protection in an unsafe world. They may have served us then, and we can be grateful for that, but they do not serve us now.
Now we need and deserve wiser and healthier perceptions, stories, and habits. (More on this in Reflections on a Full Cup)
It is not toxic to feel sad, angry, tired, overwhelmed, or the desire to bake. It is toxic when we allow those feelings to hurt ourselves and others.
If you are feeling a little uncomfortable with this reflection, you are not alone.*
Many of us experience being sad, angry, tired, overwhelmed, or the good feeling of bringing in a box of treats. The challenge that I’m talking about here is the habitual mindless words, the unskillful management of emotions, and the unhealthy reactions that don’t serve us, others around us, or the work of the organization.
Those so familiar habits of complaining, martyrdom, and passive aggression can take up all the air in the room. They can grind us and others down, squash ideas and discussion, lead to thoughtless and hurtful comments and body language, and leave us feeling confused, lonely, drained, and misunderstood. This toxicity is rarely acknowledged and addressed and yet it undermines our ability to lead and nurture a healthy work environment.
I encourage you to review the above list again. From the list, what resonates? What makes you cringe? What is undermining how you want to show up and lead?
What needs to change to boot that creeping toxicity out the door?
I’ve been there and I’m here for you.
Babs
p.s. You can find out more about me and my work as a coach and a facilitator at the Courageous Leaders Project.
Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash
In “Reflections” I encourage us to take time to generously and kindly contemplate how we are showing up and to compassionately cultivate and nurture our internal growth. Reflect your way and use what is available and feels good to you. Get out the coloured markers, sing or dance, go outside and take in the sky, breathe deep, and know that you are not alone as a courageous leader.
*If this reflection touched on a struggle in your life, such as being in a situation that is unsafe, or if you are experiencing crisis or trauma, you deserve love, understanding, and support. When it is right for you, please reach out to whoever you trust to get support, your workplace employee assistance program, or a medical or counselling professional.