Reflections for Thwarting Bully Leadership

Complacency, fear, and hostility are sneaky so-'n-sos; let's be purposeful with courage, kindness, and facing uncertainty.

Feb 22, 2025

Image of a mirror with an old worn frame on a brick wall.

The Sneaky So-'n-sos

That’s right, I lumped complacency in with fear and hostility as the sneaky so-’n-sos that will, not might, but will result in bully leadership.

If we think that we can just carry on with our well-intentioned but not fully baked attempts at psychological safety, inclusion, reconciliation, emotional intelligence, and whatever the latest leadership assessment tool brings back*, we are complacent to the detriment of our dignity and integrity and to the detriment of the well-being of the teams, the organizations, and the communities we serve.

Why “detriment”? Because that complacency, stops us from getting curious, uncomfortably close, brutally frank, and at ease with uncertainty.

Our managerial drive to have certainty, through policies, procedures, guaranteed number of steps to results (decades on and we’re still saddled with management books that have a magical number in the title), and ironclad strategic plans, has a place in the day-to-day keep the ship on an even keel kind of necessity. But on its own, without the heart and guts of courageous and kind leadership, that managerial drive will hit the unknown, the uncertainty, and sink us and our organizations.

And here’s the kicker; as things sink, we will start to feel threatened, opening the door to acting out of fear and hostility, and find ourselves reaching for some old-school get-it-done playbook where I’m the boss and “do as I say or else” somehow makes sense.**

We risk becoming bullies.

Let’s not do that.

Thwart Bully Leadership with Courage and Kindness

I’m known for saying things like “get friendly” or “sit with compassion”, but here I’m using “thwart” to summon up a warrior-level type of action. As in thwart, defeat, and confound those so-’n’sos.

Mostly I just want to leave it at that - thwart the risk of falling into bully leadership with purposeful acts of courage, kindness, and facing uncertainty.

But I also want to share a few items that I have run across recently.

The Business Bullies are Back

Book of the Day, from the Next Big Idea Club
Michael Kovnat, February 19, 2025
Yep, my using “bully leadership” came from their use of “business bullies”.
I have the Book of the Day, Graham Allcott’s KIND: The Quiet Power of Kindness at Work on hold - thank you public libraries!

A Blast of Top-Down Management

Korn Ferry, February 19, 2025

The Disappearing Act of Emotional Intelligence

Gloria Mark, February 13, 2025
State of the Heart: 2024 Report, The world’s largest study of emotional intelligence since 2011, by SixSeconds referred to in Mark’s post.

Don’t be a Jerk

McKinsey Quarterly: 5/50
Words like “jerk” are not helpful in leadership work. They are imprecise, full of assumptions, and demeaning. While that may also be said of “bully”, at least many of us work with anti-bullying policies and legislation that lend meaning and process (however imperfect) to the use of the word.

Reflect (Your Way)

Paper and coloured pencils, staring off into the sky, marvelling at nature (potted plants count), movement, breath-work, and a myriad of other practices are known to slow us down, collect our thoughts, focus our attention, and create space for insights.

The key to a practice of reflection is to do what works for you, embrace it fully, and do it regularly.

Reflection prompts:

How are you with uncertainty?
What are your warning signs that complacency, fear, and hostility might be sneaking in?
- This isn’t going to win me any popularity contests, but in the spirit of kindness (as compared to niceness), signs may include but are not limited to: tiredness, crankiness, outsized sense of scarcity or urgency, sloppiness or perfectionism, tense or combative relationships, isolation or disconnection, constant device and screen time, martyrdom or rescuer mentalities, unwise distractions, and unhealthy methods of self-soothing.
Emotional intelligence isn’t a one time assessment or workshop; what do you do to be emotionally intelligent?
How do you build trust and psychological safety in your work and in other areas of your life?
What are you doing to thwart complacency, fear, or hostility?
What do you do to be kind?
What do you do to be courageous?
What do you do to safeguard and grow your courage and kindness?

If any of these questions around uncertainty or fear, are too much right now, let them go. Focus on the kindness and courage that is in you, share it with others, and do the things that bring you ease and wellness.

We aren’t made to do this life alone, including leadership. Connect with others, give attention to relationships at work and elsewhere, and hang out with the courageous and kind.

I’m here for you,

Babs

p.s. The upcoming February List will focus on ideas and practices for leadership self-care so that we can show up with the courage and kindness that we need for ourselves and for others.

You can find out more about me and my work in leadership development and as a leadership coach at the Courageous Leaders Project.