Hey Babs: Lost Temper, Questioning Leadership Abilities, and Looking for a Way Back.

Babs responds with there is no way back, only forward.

Apr 08, 2025

Hey Babs,

I consider myself to be a courageous and caring Executive Director / CEO. I care deeply about the organization I lead, the people in it, and the city we are in. I have attended leadership programs and I pay attention to my continued professional growth. Up until recently I have been confident in my leadership style (democratic / servant) and confident in how I work with others, including my Executive Team.

Everything changed last week at the Executive Team meeting where I felt that I was facing unfair pushback on an initiative to reorganize the executive portfolios. This initiative has been on the table for nearly a year with everyone on the Executive Team having had opportunity to contribute ideas, voice concerns, and otherwise be involved in designing portfolios more in line with our core services and strategic goals.

The pushback was focused on two out of seven portfolios with “an unfair distribution of work” cited as “the need to pull the plug on the whole thing”. Things started to get heated and then completely out of character I lost my temper and shouted something like “enough of this, we are moving forward with it and that’s that”.

Their stunned faces are etched into my brain and I’m no longer confident in my leadership style or abilities.

Is there a way back from this?

Dear D.,

There is no way back, only forward.

Accountability from Your Heart

That you have reached out to “Hey Babs” tells me that you want to take responsibility for your behaviour and hold yourself accountable.

You know that a genuine acknowledgement of your behaviour and an apology are in order.

One approach that you may find as a good fit for your democratic / servant leadership style is to call everyone together, name what you did, acknowledge it as unwise and harmful to the team, including harmful to yourself, and let them know that you are committed to it not happening again.

Ask if there is anything that you need to specifically consider to repair the working relationship. Give a “thank you” to what is offered (no need to sign a contract or wear a hair shirt, just a simple “thank you”), commit to do what is wise, helpful, and healthy to do, and then move back into the work at hand, including the portfolio reorganization.

Keep it real, simple, and from your heart.

Reflecting to Learn

D., I care about what is going on that may have brought about this unusual for you loss of temper. I invite you to consider the following, not to dwell on the past, but to learn from it. I encourage you to do so with generosity, kindness, and rigour.

Given the unusualness of this outburst of anger, as I wrote in Sleep, is it time for a complete health check-up?
1. I’m not talking about the 13 minutes in and out exam, I’m talking about the full body scan and prod, review of diet, sleep, and exercise, and all the lab work type of check-up. Do not put this off. Leadership is hard work and you need to know how your body is doing.
2. Our health includes our mental, emotional, or spiritual well-being. Checking-in with a wise elder, confidante, faith leader, coach, therapist, or counsellor is a too often underrated and over-looked wise leadership habit.

What was going on before you went into the Executive Team meeting that day? It can be a bit tricky to remember the hour or two before the meeting, but give it a try.
1. How were you feeling physically and mentally?
2. Was anything distracting you from being fully present as you went into the meeting?
3. What story had you been telling yourself about the portfolio reorganization?
  1. Was there anything that you were ignoring or papering over?
  2. Was this the first hint of pushback, or had you missed something?
What was happening just before you lost your temper?
1. For some of us the moments just before strong emotions arise can feel quite blurry or confusing and for others of us there is clarity. There is no right or wrong way, let it be whatever it is, and be open to whatever you might recall and observe.
2. Were there any pressures or distractions that kept you from feeling curious about the pushback?
3. Where in your body did you feel the loss of temper arising?
  1. Did it surprise you?
  2. If and when you have had temper arising before, how did it feel and how did you respond? Was there anything different from the recent loss of temper?
How did you feel after the meeting?
1. Be specific and if available to you, drop into your body and see if you can recall where and how you felt. Again, there is no right or wrong way to feel, let it be whatever it is, and be open to whatever you might recall and observe.

Feeling strong emotions, such as anger, frustration, or a rising temper, are part of being human. How we manage those emotions is part of leadership.

Going Forward

Building on the observations and insights from the above, what does going forward mean for you? Perhaps the following prompts may be useful.

Prioritizing self care and well-being.
1. From sleep and exercise to hobbies and device-free time, the evidence is in that our physical, mental, and emotional well-being needs constant proactive care. (see #1 in above list).
Friendships.
1. D., you mentioned leadership retreats. It can be helpful to maintain meaningful connections with others we have met, especially those who are wise and healthy, who are also intentional in their leadership practices.
2. Take time outside of work to hang out with those who nurture and support the best of who you are and are becoming.
3. Take care of your friendship with yourself. Time alone for reflection, staring at the sky, leaning against a tree, or doing nothing is so very cool and important and too often in our busy modern world ignored or put off for the tomorrow that will never come.
Meeting preparation.
1. Put buffer times in your calendar between meetings. Even 5 minutes to gather yourself (breathing, quick yoga, staring at your desk plant, … ) and to drop into an awareness of how you are doing and what you need to be aligned with your self-expectations can work magic, even for the toughest of meetings.
2. Commit to being curious.
  1. Curiosity is not the enemy, but the best ally of being decisive, confident, and bold while leading a collaborative team with change and innovation.
  2. Curiosity is key to psychological safety and psychological safety is key to a democratic / servant leadership style.
  3. If in your meeting prep, curiosity doesn’t feel available, then haul out whatever you have for disciplining your self-awareness and self-management. A rubber band, chewing gum, counting your toes - whatever it is, use it.
Continued leadership development.
1. I’m heartened D., that you pay attention to your continued leadership growth. We and the environment we work in is in constant change and so it stands to reason that our leadership skills need to evolve and grow.
2. If your aren’t already, you may want to consider joining a leadership cohort or network, or working with someone one-on-one, for exploring new horizons and depths in your leadership journey.

There is no going back, but there is plenty of going forward.

I’m here for you,

Babs

PS: You can find out more about the Courageous Leaders Project and my work as a facilitator and coach at courageousleaders.ca.

Thank you to the many honest and courageous people who share their leadership stories with me to share with others. Some I share in “Hey Babs” and many are found in other posts. All stories are edited by me for brevity and a level of anonymity. As with all my work, I hold dear your trust in my professional principles, including confidentiality.

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash