Hey Babs, New Colleague, Old Enemy
Anger, panic, and our messy rooms of emotions and stories.
Hey Babs,
Yesterday, my CEO announced the new member of our executive team. The search for this new executive took nearly a year and everyone on the team has been keenly awaiting this news.
When we were told the name of our new team member I had the surprise of my life. I sat there panicked, trying to breathe, and hoping that no one was noticing my lack of enthusiasm.
The new team member is none other than an old enemy of mine.
We met in grad school, a little over 20 years ago, bonded over a shared love of a local bakery, and soon found that we had many other interests in common. Somehow we entered into a friendly rivalry where we kept score of talking points, professor approvals, grades, and many other things that I can’t even remember. I know it sounds a little immature, but we were young and ambitious.
By the second semester the friendly rivalry didn’t feel friendly anymore. I would wake during the night ruminating on points I didn’t get the day before and plotting ways to undermine my rival. I started to think of her as my enemy, the person who was ruining my life.
I don’t think about her often, but when I see her at conferences and other networking events, I try to avoid her. Seeing her brings up feelings of anger over how she spoiled my grad school experience.
All I can think of right now is how much I want to crawl under my desk or run away. I want to do anything but be at work. As I write this, I feel a little silly. I’m a mature woman and a successful executive, as well as having a full life outside of work with my partner, children, and a strong circle of friends.
Are these feelings about an old enemy silly? Am I silly?
M.
Hey M.,
Thank you for sharing this tough situation. I think many of us can identify with wanting to crawl under a desk or to run away. I know I can.
Being human isn’t always easy and you and your feelings aren’t silly.
The challenge with feelings is that we have a tendency to let them define the moment and even define us. We think that they are here to stay and we build stories around them. Sometimes these stories are hard to let go of and hurt us. These stories can get in the way of our reality, our growth, and our being at ease and at our best in the present moment. These hurtful stories can take root and affect and guide us in how we see and navigate the world and our daily lives.
When this happens the results aren’t so great, like panic and wanting to run away.
A Messy Room
Feelings and stories that we hold onto as though they are a permanent part of our sense of self are like a messy room in need of tidying up. You know the room, the one where you can’t find anything and so you either grab something you didn’t want (for example panic) or you close the door and let it all pile up (perhaps for 20 years and more).
Eventually we have to deal with the messy room. It might be because the door is bursting at the seams or because the door has been wrenched open and the contents are spilling out (such as with this recent work announcement), or because something has told us that we are ready. Dealing with it means taking a good hard look at how it got into this state (not to stew on it, but to learn from it) and cleaning up the mess. Dealing with it isn’t about denying our experiences or what is in the room, it is about getting curious and letting go.
Getting Curious and Letting Go
I invite you to get curious about your feelings and the story of this colleague being your enemy and ruining your grad school experience.
As feels right and is good for you:
Take some time to drop into your body and find where your panic or anger is sitting (the brow, the belly, the heart area …).
Describe the feeling (hot, cold, wiggly, heavy …).
Try creating a little space around the feeling. Perhaps think of this space as fresh air or a soft cushion between you and the feeling. This can take some practice and it only takes a wee bit of space for us to experience the possibilities of more practice.
Breath work can be helpful in creating space or an openness around our feelings or thoughts.
Remember feelings aren’t silly and they don’t define us - they just are what they are and they come and go. Notice that this feeling isn’t always present.
Look at the feeling with compassion and maybe even appreciation. Perhaps this feeling first arose to comfort or protect your vulnerable self as a young grad student.
Recognize that you are no longer that young and ambitious student who over 20 years ago had a rivalry that got out of control.
Kindly and without judgement, let go of the feeling. Even if it is just a little bit for starters.
Again, kindly and without judgement look at this 20 year old story. Is it true that this person was and is your enemy? It can be tempting to cling to old stories, even when they are harming us. They are familiar and in their own way make sense of our past and of our current behaviours or habits. But that doesn’t make them true today. And importantly, it doesn’t make them healthy or helpful for who we are becoming.
Let go of this old story.
The practice of letting go, is just that, a practice. You may need to acknowledge and let go of these feelings and the story around this person and yourself a number of times before you really believe that they are no longer serving you well and really believe that the cost of holding onto them is high. Many find a coach or counsellor helpful with this work.
The beauty of letting go is that with ongoing practice we can start to see our feelings for what they are; a moment in time that arises and passes. We can start to see our stories for what they are; a choice in how we view life.
Telling Stories
If you haven’t yet run across the work of Brené Brown on the stories we tell ourselves, I encourage you to visit her work. She is well known for bringing us the wise question of “what story am I telling myself?”. This question is not for situations of bullying, abuse, or other dangerous relationships. It is for when we are having an emotional reaction and telling ourselves a story that is attached to experiences and perceptions that are not applicable or appropriate to the current situation.
I think you have an opportunity to tell a different story about your present-day relationship with your new colleague.
What story do you want to tell?
I’m here for you,
Babs
Photo by Samet Kurtkus on Unsplash
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