Musings on Asking Questions
The unasked, the hesitant, the closed, the prickly, and the curious.
We ask a lot of questions in our lives.
I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that not all my questions are wise or useful. And yet, questions are important, not just for the answer, but for the impact of how we ask. While body language, tone, power inequities, social capital, bias, and assumptions, all have a role in how a question is given, received, and answered, today I find myself mostly musing on the actual types of questions.
There are unasked questions, hesitant ambiguous questions, closed questions, pointy prickly questions, and open curious questions. The good folks who have worked with me know that I encourage and celebrate the open curious questions, but I am also going to poke a bit at the other types of questions.
The Unasked Questions
The discussion is at the board table, perhaps it is about a new initiative or revenue stream or the ending of a funding partnership – any myriad of items that come to a board’s attention for direction or approval. The chair is happy to move the items along and get home to the dogs and dinner. One or two board members make comments. Others are looking at their hands or exchanging looks with each other – body language that screams “unasked questions”.
The risk of unasked questions is the board not meeting its duty of care (everyone being fully informed to govern) and missing an important point of oversight. If this becomes a habit, those missed points of oversight will add up to serious governance and operational dysfunction.
Hesitant Ambiguous Questions
You know how these question sound and land. Kind of like when someone wants a ride home from the party, but instead of coming right out and asking for one they ask if you are okay driving at night or if you live nearby. There you are with your coat on and keys in your hand yearning for your p.j.s and cat and it isn’t until you are almost in bed that you think, “did they want a ride home?”.
You already know where I’m going with this.
So, an item is before the leadership team for discussion, let’s say it’s about a new partnership and there is some good discussion and a team member asks “Did anyone go to that community forum on welcoming newcomers”?. A few nod their heads, someone says “it was good”. The discussion moves back to the new partnership and the team member who asked the question sits back in their chair and wonders why their question didn’t go anywhere. Maybe later someone thinks, “hey was there something about that forum that might better inform our work with partners?”.
These hesitant ambiguous questions can lead to missed opportunities.
Closed Questions
Not necessarily a problem, as in the question “did the fundraising campaign bring in $10,000 or $100,000?”. But may be a problem as in the question “are we all happy with the fundraising campaign?” followed by nodding heads as everyone agrees that it was good and moves on. Nobody asked why they raise funds, how they raise funds, what worked and didn’t work, and what was learned.
Closed questions result in absolute answers, like “yes” or “no”. They don’t open up discussions, particularly generative and strategic discussions, that lead to stronger and better leadership direction, organizational growth, and necessary learning and future experimentation.
Pointy Prickly Questions
Pointy prickly questions hurt. They come from a place of ill will disguised as being clever, assertive, or helpful. They come from a desire for power and control and with the intention to put people on the spot, catch them out, and belittle them. They sound like a televised courtroom drama prosecutor who throws a thick file on the table, points their finger, and says “tell us exactly where you were and what you were doing the night of the 15th”. They come from people who believe they already know the answer and are just waiting for the accused to make a mistake.
Too many of us have been in the board or meeting room and heard something like “what were you thinking when you entered into that funding agreement?” or “I’ve combed through the lease and just how is it that you didn’t see what I saw?”. Some of us were told early on in our careers that this is just what it’s like and if we want to be leaders we need to roll with it. I say with much compassion that some of us may have even tried it ourselves; perhaps not to the full scary level, but it’s hard to wallow in the pond and not pick up the DNA.
While the other types of questions mentioned can potentially cause problems, pointy prickly questions will. They have an immediate negative impact on everyone at the table (including the person asking the prickly question) and if not stopped will seep poison throughout the organization. I’d like to say that they just aren’t allowed, but it seems that they are, so we need to talk about them, get them out in the daylight, and purposefully bring them to an end.
Questions of Curiosity
In many ways questions of curiosity are the simplest questions to ask. They feel good to ask, they bring an abundance of space and thinking to the table, they can unearth confusion, disagreement, and discomfort, and they surface a diversity of thinking and ideas. Most importantly, they lead to courageous leadership and a stronger organization.
We know how these questions feel in our lives. You tell a friend about a community garden project you are working on, and they say, “you were telling me last week about how important gardening is to you, tell me more about how this project makes a difference in your life”. The receiver of the question feels respected, that their friend is paying attention, and that they are supported.
Questions of curiosity will sound simple because they are direct and clear. They may sound something like:
Tell me more about …
Help me better understand how this … (for example supports our purpose, improves our financial process, serves our community)
Is there anything more that we should know about this so that we are fulfilling our duty of care, purpose, goals …?
How can we support this?
What will change if we do this?
How does this impact other areas of policy, budget, resources …?
What are the risks and benefits that we may be missing?
What is changing in the community(ies) we serve and what does that mean to this discussion?
What is changing in the community(ies) we serve and how does that change us?
What are we learning about ourselves and how we do our work?
Who else, what else, and how else are we missing?
Now imagine asking or receiving a question of curiosity that is given with positive regard, kindness, and an open mind - wow.
I know where I have fallen short on asking and receiving questions. How are you and your team doing?
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash